she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
