Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
