I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
