I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
