whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
