I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
