I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize