I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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