Just took my morning after pill in the library
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
