Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
