oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
