I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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