For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
