I want to walk on stilts...naked
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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