He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
