is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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