i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
