I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
