Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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