Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
