just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
