wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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