I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
