I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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