Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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