If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
