Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
