apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
