My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
