Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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