I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
