Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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