Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
