I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
