every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
