I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
