So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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