I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
