he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
