It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
