How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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