There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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