apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am