Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.