Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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