He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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