just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
