Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
