So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you had me at cake vodka
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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