Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
