I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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