I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
