A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
