i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
