Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
