Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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