And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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