I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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