So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
