I faked an abortion last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
