part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
