There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
